Hmmm . . . it appears I have writer's block.

Its not that I don't have anything to say. Its this new blog I've started with my friend Kris . I'm terrified to write something in it. It is such a blank slate. A chance to speak with a different voice, to let the world in on some of my thoughts and feelings and ideas about motherhood. I tend to shy away from actually acting smart and serious. Its a defense mechanism built up from years of trying unsucessfully to not be bullied in school, and to seem a little bit less weird.

You see, the thing is that a year ago, when Kris and I were talking about starting a website called Clever Mamas, I thought I knew something about parenting. I had opinions to give and help to share with the un-enlightened. But the last year or so, a lot of those beliefs and ideas have changed; my ideals and perceptions have been shaken by the greatest humbler and teacher of all: real life with my children.

This in part shows that I really am a Clever Mama. After all, isn't being a Clever Mama just being a mom who can think and reflect and adjust to their children and their life circumstances? I think so. In any case, I am going to pretend to be clever, and send you all over the our fledgling new blog, Clever Mamas and see what's happening.

Kris is my much savvier and more stylish partner in crime. She is always up on the latest thing and has an interesting opinion about it, so she has already posted some articles. I will write something when I get my courage up. Really.

Done with Bloglines

So, for the last six months or so, I have been following all my blogs via Bloglines. In case you are not familliar with it, Bloglines basically follows your blogs for you. You subscribe to a blog on it and when you log in, it highlights all the blogs that have new posts. When you check them, you just see the post, not the header or the sidebar information. For a while I thought this was really cool, becuase I didn't have to click through a bunch of sites with no new posts to find out who had written something new.

But as time goes by and I sub to new blogs, I've discovered a few things. First, without all the extra visual imput, I can't keep which blog I'm reading straight. And I can't remember which new blog is about what topic. This is all part of being a visual-spatial person, I think. I remember people by associating their names with their faces and how they move. I remember blogs not by their name but by their visual presentation.

Second, I comment less. You have to click through to the blog to comment, then click through to a comment form . . . and I just can't be bothered some days. So less comments.

Third, I miss visiting all the actual blog sites. I love seeing new things in the sidebars to click in to, or new headers.

So thats it. No more bloglines for me.

Psst -- look down

and to the left. I finally decided to put up a list of the blogs I read. I wish I could give you a personal review of each and every one, but I don't think I have time. But if you're looking for some new blogs to read, there are some great ones there. About half to two thirds are quilters, some are personal friends, and some are people I think are wise, or interesting, or just fun to read.

The reason its taken me so long to put up a blog list is because I felt kind of strange showing you all what I read. I don't know why, because its courtesy in the blog world to link to people you like. But I've never been big on courtesy, have I? I guess I'm just learning that in the real world, all those little social niceties actually matter. So I should follow them in the blog world too.

Isn't it funny how things change?

When I first started this blog, I didn't even own a digital camera, nor did I have a laptop. But this week, I haven't posted anything because my laptop power cord is in Nipawin and my camera is with Dave in Toronto.

But the thing is, I want to show you the awesome swap goodness I received this week (on a day when I really needed a pick me up, no less!) and show you my progress my Marie's quilt, but I have no camera. And I want to finish the sewing tutorial, but again, no camera. And to think I said, "Oh, I'll be fine without the camera for a week. Definitely take it to Toronto with you." Bah.

In quilting news, I bought a walking foot, and although I felt a bit like I was adding an artificial limb to my machine when I put it on, it is amazing. It really makes straight line quilting super fast and easy. Which is perfect when you have to practically wrap your entire body and the table next to you with quilt to manouver it through the machine. It is nice becuase it does not take away the lovely, tactile feel of just pushing fabric around and burying yourself in it (machine quilting a big quilt is the adult version of Andrew's favorite fabric game -- fabric explosion). It does make quilting a bit too simple for my tastes, though. I'm sure I'll find some way to make it more complicated and time consuming soon.

Marie's quilt will be the first big quilt I have quilted (as opposed to tied) using cotton batting, and I am loving the feel of it. It gives it a heavy weight that is just perfect, in my mind.

Hopefully, if all goes well (ha, ha, famous last words) I shall be finished the quilting by Sun afternoon, and be able to bind it on Sunday night while watching a movie. That is, if no one gets sick, there are no more giant funerals for Dave to perform, I don't get sick, I find a babysitter for Saturday, and I don't have any more sewing mishaps. The sad thing about this is that I will then give Marie her quilt on Monday, giving me only one day to admire my handiwork and pretend I get to keep it. Ah well, I can visit it anytime I want to. And I still have Bea's to finish.

One day I might even make a quilt for myself. Seriously, I'm thinking about it. I've got some fabric and everything . . .

A Time to Reflect

I'm really feeling like I need some time and space to think about life these days. I feel like life as a mother can really easily just pass you by. Your entire day flashes by, filled with mopping up spills and changing dirty clothes and keeping everyone fed and safe and relatively happy. There is so much action sometimes that it is hard to think. But yet because there are so few things to do aside from these tasks (and answering "why" and "how" questions over and over again and saying, "Outside. yes. we are outside now.") . . . see, like right now when my son woke up and had to go pee and get a drink and a snuggle before he could go back to sleep . . . that it is hard to keep your thoughts and emotions in order and in control. Its really easy to fall into self pity or envy or laziness or over eating becuase its so boring and repetitive.

With summer vacation approaching and the year coming to an "end", it seems like I'm looking back on a difficult year. I don't think I've had time to process everything that has happened. And although I feel like in some ways I've made huge strides forward -- I've lost weight, kept my house tidier and organized a lot of things -- I feel like in other ways I'm really dissatisfied. My inner life has been really dry lately. I've focused a lot on creating, which is good, but I haven't been into the depths for a while. My spirit is dry and my emotions are tired and I haven't been stopping to take the time and quiet I need to renew them.

I would like to say that I don't know where that time is going, but the fact is that I do know where its going. I spend it surfing from blog to blog and Flikr group to Flikr group, trying to find enough images and stories to fill me up. Instead of going into my basement and working on my own creations, or writing in my journal, or praying or meditating or excersising or actually emailing a friend, I saturate myself in images. I lose myself here, in cyberspace.

I know this, but I'm trying to decide what it means. Should I give up blogging, which keeps me in touch with many of my friends across the country and helps me keep track of what has happened in my life in the last 3 years? Should I stop posting on Flikr, where I'm being inspired and having fun doing swaps? Should I limit my time on Crafster, Facebook, Mothering Dot Commune? Pick one or two sites to putter on? Not putter at all? Focus my interests? Diversify my interests? Stop being interested?

I don't know. I do know I'm saturated with images. I remember when I went camping for the weekend, thinking that I had so many images in my head that I couldn't think of what I wanted to make anymore. I was losing my creative drive and vision because I was being absorbed into everyone else's projects and ideas. I could no longer see my own thoughts and ideas in my own head.

I try to do everything I do mindfully; I like to have a purpose and intent behind my actions so as to keep myself in check. I'm the sort of person who naturally leans toward chaos and disorder, so I need to work hard to keep my emotions and thoughts in order all the time. I feel like I'm losing my focus.

I guess what this means is that I'm taking a break. No blogging on vacation. Only the barest minimum of email checking and swap-related Flikr posting and Sept. Mamas posting. Otherwise, I think I'm going offline for a month. I need some time to see my own pictures and hear my own voice again, and the voices of my children and husband and the friends I will enounter along our trip.

I plan to come back to this blog in September, hopefully with some changes made both in me and my vision for my time online. Possibly with a new angle on my blog, or a different blog, or no blog at all. Hope you'll have a great month and tune in then to see what's happened.

Love to all. Jill.

Hey, how did that happen?

I just noticed that someone has adjusted the banner on my blog so that it, um, is gone. I suspect my toddler has been doing some push-button publishing behind my back. I'll get right on that.

Oops!

So it appears to be Tuesday and my last post was actually myt 300th post . . . but this is my hobby, so i will do a giveaway when I get around to making something. The thing is, I'm trying to think of something that many of the people who read this blog would want. So not something for someone with kids, but necessarily for someone who is crafty, but not necessarily something for someone who is my age . . . but something that might get people to come out of lurkdom for at least one comment. Hmm. I'm thinking about it. I will do something. Just give me a few more days to plan.

Still, since this is one of my main forms of entertainment, we'll pretend this is post . . . 295 or so, okay? I'm not going to stop blogging until I get something made to give away, but I'm doubting I'll get something made tonight. So I'll get back to y'all in a bit.